Jim: Great Big Dopes

By now I'm sure everybody has heard about the great big doping scandal emanating out of Spain. On the week Lance is more or less (kind of) cleared of some very warped doping allegations, we ignore that news in favor of the most current scandal. Our minds are buzzing (on caffeine only - no dope amongst us slowpoke Low Cat racers) with all sorts of questions. Who will get taken down? Does the UCI mean it this time? Does it signal a growing willingness by government authorities in Europe to do something that has never happened before, clean up the doping from sports?

As usual, we needn't wait for the news cycle to answer our questions. If you look closely, all our questions were answered decades ago in the classic film, Casablanca. Jigger around a few of the character names, use (mostly) *real quotes* from the film, and this whole doping scandal becomes clearer.
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Senior Ferrari*: As the leader of all illegal activities in Casablanca, I am an influential and respected man.

Dick Pound: That is the reason we permit you to remain open.

Roberto Heras: Don't listen to him. Fill it up!

The Tifosi: I'm shocked, shocked to find that doping is going on in here!

Emma O'Reilly: I remember every detail. Lance wore gray, Liberty Seguros wore blue.

L'Equipe: We have a complete dossier on you: American, age 37. Cannot return to his country. The reason is a little vague. We also know what you did in Paris, and also we know why you left Paris.

The Tifosi: Are you sure this place is honest?

Dick Pound: You know how you sound. . . Like a man who's trying to convince himself of something he doesn't believe in his heart.

UCI: I'm sorry for asking. I forgot we said no questions.

Spanish Authorities: Realizing the importance of the case, my men are rounding up twice the usual number of suspects.
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So there you have it. All clear now, right? I've answered all your questions? Good.

And make no mistake about it, I am as adamant in the UCI in insisting that there be no drugs in cycling. None whatsoever. Not one drop. Drugs should only be used for legitimate purposes. I stand with Fausto Coppi and Jacques Anquetil (well, I would if they were alive, and would tolerate being seen near a fat wannabe like me) in saying this. **

That's all I have for today. I have to go now. It's time for my kidney disorder treatments. Man, I don't know what I'd do without that Erythropoietin. Thank goodness for the miracles of modern medicine.


* Dr. Ferrari is a pioneer in both scientific training for bicyclists (a la Tudor Bompa and Joe Friel) and in doping for bicyclists. He has been convicted of doping offenses in a court of law.

** According to British Cycling Weekly,

Coppi said that amphetamines were popular among cyclists in the late 1940s and 1950s. When asked if he took them he replied: “Only when necessary.” And how often was that? “Almost all the time.” Anquetil’s quote is even more wellknown. He said a rider could not be expected to survive the Tour de France on water alone.

I wish governments and sports sanctioning bodies would do something about doping, but they don't seem to be too determined, as a group, to do anything other than posture, wax philosophic about the purity of sport, and turn a blind eye. The real rule doesn't appear to be "don't dope," it's "don't get caught doping." (I know, there's no Easter Bunny either...) This is sad, and given my perception that fighting doping is a lost cause for practical and political reasons, the next best thing I can do is make fun of the hypocrisy; governments and sanctioning bodies should at least be open in acknowledging the ethos that their actions (and more importantly acts of omission) support. Please take this blog entry as a criticism of that hypocrisy, and of the "cheat to win" mentality.